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e_d_young


In the Present Moment

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Remain true to yourself, but move ever upward toward greater consciousness and greater love! At the summit you will find yourselves united with all those who, from every direction, have made the same ascent. For everything that rises must converge.

- Pierre Teilhard De Chardin
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Apparently my mother's health is in decline. My guess, and I've got nothing to back it up, is she's got another year to live at most.

I've never second-guessed my decision to cut family relations out of my life. I didn't say good-bye, or anything at all. Just pulled the plug.

Separation by death is closer than ever. Making sure I was okay was my main response. If people knew this, I expect they'd judge me harshly. Shouldn't I be thinking about the dying person's comfort? I'm going to be sloppy here and just say Whatever. I'm surprised that I even went through what appeared to be a preparation phase. On the brink of death I don't know if one's life flashes before one's eyes, but in my very brief preparation phase, memories of my life with my parents and siblings "flashed" before my mind's eye.

In effect, my mother has been dead to me for many years. I don't plan on seeing her again and I've confirmed I'm okay with permanently losing the chance to see her. Her physical death is of very little consequence to me. But I know this is the sort of thing one can't know for sure in advance. To be honest, though, I'm looking forward to seeing how I'll feel after she's gone, dead gone.
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My dead relative, a noncelebrity, has more of an online presence than I. Photos of her life, video with background music, comments section, etc.

I knew social sites allowed in memoriam pages for its users, nonliving users that is, but I didn't realize funeral parlors set up virtual memorials too. It makes sense. It just never occurred to me.

In both life and death, I don't want photos of myself online.

The other night I was thinking there's no good reason for me to buy a grave plot, so I expect to end up in the local Potter's Field. This is okay.

But who knows what will happen in the future.

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Like the main character Cooper, in Interstellar I was surprised to see a wormhole depicted as a sphere. I understand that a circle in 3D space is a sphere, but I had a hard time grasping the movie's wormhole because the sphere seemed detached from its surroundings. Anyway, why can't the shape be funnel-like or like an asymmetrical bowtie, as though a piece of space-time has been pinched and stretched or twisted toward a different point in the universe? Because mathematics says it can't?

The rendering of Gargantua, the fictional super massive blackhole, is probably the most spectacular visual I've ever seen in cinema. The scene might've overwhelmed my brain: I felt the sensation that signals tears yet I was motionless in awe and tears did not come. My hands did cover my mouth, though.


Like being born?

Thank you, Mr. Andrew Hamilton, and thanks to New Scientist for posting the video.

Seriously, though, this visual makes sense to me. The wormhole is more like a distorted bulge.

While I'm at it, here's another visualization that's comprehensible to me.
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In my early twenties I met my other self. At the time, I knew I was experiencing something unique, but did not comprehend what it was.

The nature of our relationship was ambiguous. We gave each other lots of space, however, we were by each other's side by day's end.

Love, future...those words never crossed my mind. He told me he wasn't in love with me. We spent a few months entangled, then I moved away.

It took a couple of years to process what I experienced, to find names for it, if names existed.

Why were we apart? Because I left. Because neither of us was capable of a relationship. Because neither of us believed love existed. Because it seemed like it didn't matter if we were together or not.

Even though we lived in different cities, I couldn't separate.

One of the most difficult things I tried in my twenties was forgetting him. If he was my other self, how could I not be his other self? Why weren't we in touch? I felt we were incredibly special and unbelievably lucky to have met, but it seemed our meeting was of no consequence to him.

Changing my mind about him was one of the hardest things I tried in life: he's not my other self, I was mistaken.
Current Mood:
tired tired
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Logged in to write down my weekly career goals. e_d_y is in no mood for things like job hunting. But I'm committed to making some changes, so Self-Discipline appears on the scene and this week's career goals are set in motion. Only half of last week's goals were met.

I think I'll never understand this genre/subgenre/aberration of music and what people were thinking at that time. Seriously...what in the world am I witnessing in this video? It doesn't matter though; it is ridiculously good at lifting one's mood and energy level.

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Right off the bat, in my defense, reports have even appeared in mainstream media about the cleanliness, or lack of cleanliness, of hotel rooms, so my lasting uneasiness about sleeping in what is nearly a CA-MRSA site has been justified.

Now, not only do people have different levels of cleanliness to start with, I just know they do god knows what in hotel rooms. C'mon...like Dave in National Sales, you just know he picks up or pays someone to engage in extracurricular activity when he's on the road. Activity he dares not do close to home. And he's doing said activity all over the comforter and whatnot. Or how about a couple having a romantic getaway...all over the pillows, duvet, and so on. To put it succinctly, hotel room = fornication room.

For me, it is the bed that has the highest ick factor. Those blankets and comforters aren't cleaned after each guest. Who knows how the pillows are maintained. And housekeeping? I just know they're making up the bed with dirty gloves, touching the sheets, tossing the pillow around, maybe onto the floor. Those same gloves have cleaned someone else's toilet, ya' know.

Yeah, so, being fully dressed with your skin covered as much as possible is the way to go when sleeping in a rented, public bed. If I were really neurotic, my pajamas would be like...



or like...

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"There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an overabundance of life."

I was suffering a little over the past two weeks. Louis Mackey's line in Waking Life helped me see that clearly.

The movie holds up pretty well, fourteen years later.

While verifying Mackey's words online, I found No Ajahn Chah – Reflections by Ajahn Chah. Both men are already deceased. Here are some choice bits from Ajahn Chah.

109. There are two kinds of suffering: the suffering which leads to more suffering, and the suffering which leads to the end of suffering. The first is the pain of grasping after fleeting pleasures and aversion for the unpleasant, the continued struggle of most people day after day. The second is the suffering which comes when you allow yourself to feel fully the constant change of experience - pleasure, pain, joy, and anger – without fear or withdrawal. The suffering of our experience leads to inner fearlessness and peace.

112. In truth, happiness is suffering in disguise but in such a subtle from that you don't see it. If you cling to happiness, it's the same as clinging to suffering, but you don't realize it. When you hold onto happiness, it's impossible to throw away the inherent suffering. They're inseparable like that. Thus the Buddha taught us to know suffering, see it as the inherent harm in happiness, to see them as equal. So be careful! When happiness arises, don't be overjoyed, and don't get carried away. When suffering comes, don't despair, don't lose yourself in it. See that they have the same equal value.

113. When suffering arises, understand that there is no one to accept it. If you think suffering is yours, happiness is yours, you will not be able to find peace.
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With a light heart and little consideration, in 2014 I decided I would travel El Camino de Santiago's popular French Way in 2015. By bicycle.

Fast forward. It's already mid-April. I don't think I can make the trip this year.

To be honest, there's a faint hope I can pull it off somehow, that I'll be ready in early September. I really want to follow through on this. The trip has been in the back of my mind since the decision. But when I think...time, expense, physical fitness...I don't think I can manage it in 2015.

I haven't even been on a bicycle in years, let alone a bike with panniers carrying a small bundle. I figure at least four months will be needed to get in shape. Speaking of bicycles, one of my other goals for 2015 is to start biking around the city, so the two goals reinforce each other. It's not like time would be wasted "training" for a one-time event.

Anyway, a trip like El Camino will require a certain amount of force. I would need to block out the dates on my calendar and buy the plane ticket. Everything else, namely work, will have to accommodate the dates I'm away.

On a much, much smaller scale, I've been considering a little trip to Seattle instead, but Washington feels so far away, so inconvenient. Quebec is tugging at me now and Quebec is very doable.
Current Mood:
tired tired
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Thinking it would be beneficial to take in a wider variety of blogs, I hopped over to WordPress which I knew to be a home for long-form content. I had an unexpectedly hard time exploring as a guest and ended up using a search engine instead. Indeed, there are some impressive personal blogs out there. That place is no joke. Like Iowa Girl Eats. How much time does she invest in blogging, and why? Is she trying to become a media personality for food and cooking? Is blogging just a hobby? Does it bring in much money?

Anyway, I'll be over here in my corner of LJ, stringing words together.

Current Mood:
productive
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