telemachus

noted

Dropping in just to say I feel great today. What got me in such a cheerful state is unknown, and I don't care to figure it out. I'm just enjoying what is here and glad that I'm glad.

Often I vent negative, sad, and painful thoughts here. I want to try mentioning more often the sunny spots. Even if it's boring or uninteresting to other people... I want to publicly acknowledge and praise the radiance.

Last week, in a spell of procrastination, I missed a self-imposed due date, and today I finished the most pressing task. I got something done!
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telemachus

unburdened

I've been meaning to write about this a few days now. Feeling floods me and I can barely compose comprehensible sentences. I just want to give no holds barred praise to FREEDOM.

Talking... talking is an important activity in American society. The kind of talking I mean here is gab and "bullshitting."

Verbalizing can get you just about anything. That's how it looks to me, to someone who can be quiet naturally. Although I'm not exactly shy, engaging in chitchat can be awkward and laborious. If I don't have anything worthwhile to say, it's easy for me to be quiet. I suppose I'm lacking in the social skills department, and/or I just don't enjoy surface conversations very much.
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telemachus

"...we must burn our expectations to light our way."

"At some point we will come to the end of a path and no longer know our way. Hard as this is, this is where the inner journey begins, when all we've carried has served its purpose and now we must burn our expectations to light our way. This is when we assume our full stature in order to see what's ahead. This is when the soul shows itself, if we pay attention."

Mark Nepo. "When It's Time to Burn Your Map," Spirituality and Health, July-August 2016, p.24.
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telemachus

Suddenly it's now

I am procrastinating, and as a result have missed a due date I set up for myself. I do not feel good about this, however, I feel good in general these days. So my behavior, my choices I suppose, created a situation that's like an awkward tug of war. Team Cheerful won eventually, but still, I am not proud of the situation I've gotten myself in, even though I am still able to smile.

It seems I missed an entire 24-hour unit this week, Thursday. I guess it merged into the block of grey wet weather we had midweek. It feels a little like I am a day behind.

My attention span bailed on me today. Or maybe it was in cahoots with the driver of procrastination. If I was not going to work on my assignment, then I was not going to work on anything. That's how sick stuff works in the head.
telemachus

Right in the gut

Dear Diary,

Last night I figured out what really bothers me about President-elect Trump. Unpredictability. It's like a loss of control. I imagine if HRC had been elected, her appointments, staff, and decisions would be within expectations. She wouldn't take a big chance on someone or make any risky choices. The usual Beltway stuff, methinks. So in that sense, there would have been a type of continuity and stability. Not so much with Trump. Who knows what he'll actually do?

On a completely different subject, my stomach felt a little sick a while ago after seeing headlines about breakups and divorces. It looks like love and marriage don't last, and right now I very much want to believe they can.
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telemachus

How very human of you

Even so, I must admire your skill.
You are so gracefully insane.

"Elegy in the Classroom," To Bedlam and Part Way Back, Anne Sexton

I'm not exactly recommending chana saag for breakfast but food is food and when you're hungry and craving something savory, you could do worse in the morning.

The Indian food I ordered not through GrubHub was such a generous portion size that it lasted two days. It's finally gone, and what a treat and bargain it was in the not-so-bad big city.
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telemachus

Right now

I'm going to indulge; even though I know intellectually this feeling will pass, especially if I focus on something else, something productive. I'm spoiling myself, aren't I, by posting an entry.

I feel a little sorry for myself right now. Because I'm feeling I'll always be on the sidelines, watching others, cheering them on, being happy for them, while nothing happens in my life. An observer on the sidelines of the world, of life. This makes me feel a little sad for myself.
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